keeping the faith (extended version)

somehow, word press is not emailing me the comments people make on my blog,
so, today, when I looked at my blog and found the comment by neo which
asked me to share some specifics, I wondered how much more specific I
could get.
then, I realized that my post was cut.
I don’t know if my email client did it or what, but here is the rest
of the post.
Sorry!!!!
(and I’ll double check to make sure that it posted correctly. if it
doesn’t, I might have to have an “really extended version” — smile).
… each family has their own picture of what “interfaith family”
should look like). I
do wish that DH would analyze himself and write responses — or blogs
– about our journey, as well. I think that it would give readers a
rounded prospective. I don’t want to sound like I am complaining, but,
I think in this post, I am! — Sorry!
DH doesn’t like to think — much less write
about such issues. So, … .. … I’m all you’ve got! Hopefully I can
be unbiased enough to present some of DH’s valid points.
Objectively speaking, I think about and seem to “care” about being
“interfaith” much more than DH does. He just wants to “be” without
labels, etc. Maybe some of my desire to analyze and discuss
“interfaith” comes from a desire to “belong” somewhere or to some idea
which others also share. so, while I am relishing the label, he is
shrinking from it. Maybe he just wants to avoid the entire sometimes
messy issue. It is just too overwhelming, sometimes for him and he
would rather stay in the world of electronics and economics. all
that said, (Trying to be objective), I also find that he is a bit less
compromising than I am. OK, as tempting as it might be, I am not
going to drag out all of the compromises I have made and list them so
you have sympathy for my plight. (smile) And, I am not going to list
his so that we can see which list (his or mine) is longer — Can I
just say “mine” and be done with it? (smile). But, I am going to say
that when talking about our newborn baby, It does seem that I am
compromising a bit more than he is when it comes to “faith.”
Let me explain.
Our son’s name is a combination between The Quran and the bible.
Notice that I am not calling it an “Islamic” first name and “Christian
” middle name. After some thought, I agree with a friend who has
pointed out that any name can be christian or Muslim, because it is
not the name, but the character. So, Jane and Kyle can be perfectly
wonderful Muslim names and Ali and Aisha can be perfectly christian.
… … anyway, the first name can be found in the Quran and is a
respected name held by many Muslims. It means “Call to prayer,” in
Islam. I actually like the sound of the name very much. I thought that
we should find a name that is pretty popular in Pakistan, but maybe
not so much here. It took us a while to find a name and agree.But,
finally, we have. The middle name is the Angel that told Mary about
her impending pregnancy and the birth of Jesus. Of course, this angel
is also in the Quran, but we took the spelling that the bible offered.
Yet, when DH is asked: “what is his name,” DH rarely speaks the middle
name. he thinks middle names are stupid. I like the middle name and
say: “His full name is _____ _______.” I am not sure if DH just
doesn’t like middle names — or doesn’t want to admit to anyone (esp
his friends) that his son has a name that is found in the bible — and
worse yet, is also known and maybe used by Jewish people, as well.
(those views and discussions are for another post). DH was afraid that
my family would use the baby’s middle name and not first. In fact, my
family did threaten to do this. But, I told my family that our son
would/will not answer to anything but his first name. So, I felt that
I supported this choice — the least he could do is to support the
middle name!
Yet, when our son was born, DH spoke the prayer in his ear, we agreed
to circumcize (against my desire) and I agreed to have his head
shaved. We have already discussed the significance of this head
shaving, Remember??? but, lest anyone be new to reading this blog,
it is highly recommended in Islam. some schools “recommend” and others
“mandate,” but the least of a “recommendation” is good enough to
follow. DH feels strongly about these issues.
While I agreed that we would circumcize (Islam mandates it for
cleanliness purposes, but Christianity says that there is no need), I
wanted to do it on the 8th day. No, I am not Jewish. No, there would
be no Bris. But, medical studies have proven that pain indorfins(did I
spell that correctly) and Vitamin K (which helps clot the blood) are
at very high levels on the 8th day — moreso than any other day. The
medical community already knows this because, most often, they give
your child a vitamin K shot at birth to prepare for the circumcision
that will be done within the next 48hours. sure, they could wait for
the Vitamin K to kick in on the 8th day, but … … Well, it is just
too inconvenient for all involved, so they give a Vitamin K shot so
that they can circumcize before leaving the hospital. I wanted it
done when Vitamin K was naturally at a high level in his system. But,
we had a problem with the pediatrician and midwife and could not get
it done until the twelth day. Consequently, the hospital had to give
our little Baby Boy two dissolvable stitches because he kept bleeding.
It was almost worse for me than the baby! The point is that, even
though my stipulation was not met: “the 8th day” I still honored my
commitment … … and even more, supported it when talking to family
and friends. I am not trying to boast or keep count: but, facts are
facts.
I wanted to get the head shaved when we did the circumcision, but we
could not find someone who knew how to shave it. I want to get it over
with. I realize that this is important to DH and I have committed to
respecting this practice. but, I will grieve for the hair loss (that
cute fine baby hair) and will shutter at the shave. I know it. I do
have issues with cutting hair. … … not that I won’t cut boys’
hair, it is just that I hated when my mother cut mine (I had some
really short boy styles) [which is why I don't cut it now, I like it
long], and wanted to wait a bit before cutting my own child’s hair.
And, I don’t find his hair, as it is now, in the least bit “unclean.”
and, I have to explain this practice to family. Now, this is where it
gets tricky. I don’t agree with the shaving thing. I don’t think that
it makes the child “cleaner.” But, I have said “OK” and must support
my decision. It is difficult for family to understand these unusual
(to them, at least) practices. And, to make things worse, DH is not
trying to get it done Quickly. while he wants it done, he doesn’t seem
to be in a hurry. In fact, I am the one who had to find and schedule
the circumcision. I am the one who went with the baby, while DH was at
work. Yet, it is his practice. Sometimes I can hear the absolute
conviction in his voice that these things “must be done,” I think that
he really believes that the baby is not “clean” unless these rituals
(Can I use that word and still be Faith sensitive) are performed. but
he is slow with his actions. This just makes it worse for me. I want
to get it over with quickly. Shouldn’t the one whose faith is being
practiced take a more involved approach in getting said practices
accomplished? Now, some might be saying, “just let it go.” But, I
can’t because I know that DH will eventually have it done –
especially if he runs into someone who says: “I can do it and I’ll do
it now.” but, I don’t want to be surprised and I just want it over
with. I know that this will be a very proud moment for DH, yet inside
I will find it futile and hate that my baby’s head had to be shaved.
some say, it is just hair, no big deal. But, it is for me. Yet,
most people tend to give advice like “get over it,” or “don’t do it.”
both of which are really not helpful. Sometimes, though, compromises
are not “great.” You don’t just get over a compromise. It helps when
the other spouse understands that, for you, this is a compromise.
Compromises (at least the good ones) aren’t those that you could care
little about. The ones that are the hardest are the ones that you have
convictions about. Giving up pork, for example, is not a huge
compromise for me because I rarely miss it and can see the health
benefit of not eating it. While DH did compromise by moving to Indy,
it is not a huge compromise because he found a job and had a ready
made house. He was going to have to move from college, anyway. It
still is a compromise, but not a large one. For the huge
compromises, It helps when the spouse understands your feelings and
thoughts on the subject. Large compromises are those which you really
“sacrifice” something that you care about.
Many people view Islam as the more strict of the two religions,
however, there are some points of Christianity that are more strengent
than Islam. Let’s take the commands about giving. Most christians,
myself included, adhere to the tytheing $10% of one’s income. In
Islam, you are to give 2.5% of your savings, (for Zaqat) once a year.
These are the manditory commands to “give.” There are some others in
Islam, I think. I am a bit fuzzy on these because, well, (sheepishly
admitting), DH is not very excited about the “giving” commands, thus,
they surface as discussion points only when I bring them up. In any
case, I was ready and willing to tithe my customary 10% when I was
working. However, since DH saw no need for such a practice, my giving
was not supported.
The other thing is that “Faith” in itself, is not logical. when one
believes that a certain thing should be done a certain way, no amount
of statistics or feelings can convince them that they are not right.
In fact, in some cases, they don’t see how you can think otherwise.
where does DH compromise? There is always Music in the house. I
play music often and tend to sing now even more when the baby is
born. I change the words to songs to fit the Baby. I also listen to
christian/inspirational music. DH never objects. He considers this
more of a compromise than mine because it is continuous. “Great is my
Faithfulness,” “It is well with my Soul,” “turn your eyes upon Jesus,”
etc. Once, just to make my songs look better: I put on Marvin Gaye’s
“Sexual Healing,” and reminded him that I could be listening to far
worse. Yes, occasionally, DH will listen to Ghazals, sufi songs and
Punjabi music (not the Hindi movie kind), but that is rare. He does
not like music because he says that Music instigates temporary
emotions. Music can be held responsible for encouraging sex and
drinking. OK, we have talks about “where to put responsibility.”
but, still, He does not think that high levels of emotions are good
things. … …
dominika listens to Country Music, so Rascal Flatz and Sugarland. I do
have to ban most of Kyler’s music from the house — even I have my
standards: “no cussing, illegal activity or immoral propositions.”
Anyway, there is christian music (Selah, Nicole C. Mullen, Acappella,
Take6, Ben Tankard, Kathy Tricoley, etc);
Kids music (Putumayo Playground, Sesame Street, Joe Scruggs,
Schoolhouse Rock, some of Walt Disney);
Punjabi music;
Hindi movie songs (sonu Nigam, Shreyah, Atif Aslam, A R Rahman)
old 80′s (Whitney, Celine, Boyz II men, Mariah)
and soundtrack music (Mulan, The Music Man, Fiddler On the Roof,
Hurculeese, Aladen, Remember the Titans, Lion King, Prince of Egypt,
Couples Retreat, Slumdog Millionaire, Little Mermaid, etc…. … ).
Recently I told DH that the “call to prayer” from Egypt was better
than the ones from Mecca or some of the other cities. It is more
melodic and I can hum it while I am doing dishes. [Whoops, should I
have admitted that I actually can “HUM” the “Call to prayer?”). I
like this one better than any of the others for that very
characteristic, it is more “singable.” . And, if that wasn’t
blasphemy, I am certain that I commited such a sin when I suggested
that a woman “sing the call to prayer!” Hey, that might encourage
more men to come to the Mosque. But, I just went way too far for DH’s
comfort level. (smile) Just the thought that the “call to prayer”
could be considered a “song” was enough for DH. although, he did have
to admit that different men “called” in different ways with different
tonalities, inflections and pitches and… … “some”
tonalities/inflections/pitches might be a bit more pleasing to the ear
than others.
I think that it bothers me, (more than DH) that we still can’t find
an interfaith community. We don’t even fit into a monofaith one. If
individuals can get past our disabilities, they stop at our
‘interfaithness’. .. and visa-versa. I do admit that sometimes DH does
not make it easy. He is not that sociaable: I have to drag him to
Pakistani events and he still displays a mistrust of people. and,
maybe I am just “too talkative” and “too open.” but, an Interfaith
community which understands my disability and will assist me when I
have difficulties in either participating in worship or in any other
part of communal activities would help tremendously. Also they would
help DH and I navigate the sometimes very mirky waters of this
interfaith relationship. They would rejoice in our celebrations and
give us support in our differences.

Keeping the faith

*keeping the Faith!
Sometimes I hesitate about being up front and honest about my own interfaith experiences because… … well, “it ain’t all a bowl of cherries!” As my father is fond of saying. There are so many negative people on the internet, in bookstores, in our own
neighborhoods/churches/communities/families who will wax elloquently for hours about the challenges and horrifying experiences of those crazy enough to attempt such a union. they will cite all types of research and even manipulate sacred texts to prove their point. By the time they are through, you are praying for an entire monospiritual eutopian society. I don’t want to add evidence to their argument. Some of the reason that “we” (and I can safely include others in my description, — at least it makes me feel better to do so because I am not singling out myself) aren’t more honest is because “we, those of us in interfaith relationships,” would have to admit that living the commitment to compromise is much more difficult than proclaiming it. At the least, we would have to admit that our “fantasy version of an interfaith marriage” doesn’t even resemble that of a real one. Yes, it comes down to pride, honesty and whatever else you want to call it. Besides, who wants to hear the “I told you so” — (whether spoken or unspoken). but, if I don’t recount these experiences, how will anyone else validate their own experience and/or learn from mine? Since we are all human, it is quite possible that others have experienced such struggles and disappointments. Furthermore, if I don’t discuss such struggles, (at least elude to them enough so that the blog readers [whomever those scant few are] will know that they exist) won’t I be misleading those readers to think that an
“interfaith” relationship (at least ours) is something that it is not. The point is that my story will cease to be authentic. So, here I go. And, know that I have thought about this post for days before sending. this is not an impulsive emotional post.
Interfaith is not just about sharing/celebrating festivals and finding similarities between the faiths. It goes far beyond
celebrating christmas and Eid or combining the cross and the crescent. sometimes, we can’t ignore the differing politics, people or traditions. Sometimes we see the paranoia of extremism in our own partner — and dare I say, even in the mirror. Sometimes the differences are staring you right in the face and will not be concealed. they must be dealt with. Sometimes we tell ourselves that “change” (changing a viewpoint or broadening a mind) is evidence of spiritual evolution — then we spend our waking moments analyzing that change and wondering if we have wandered too far from the right path. sometimes, it is just “challenging” and (just as in any other marriage) one partner can feel like they are compromising more than the other. One or both partners can feel love’s deception slowly peeling back to reveal the stubbornness and haughtiness of righteous indignation that we so despised our now-distant friends and family for. The close-minded behaviors that we tried so dilligently to run from and that we swore to make every effort to protect our children from is manifesting itself in full vibrant colors in our partner, and if we are honest, in our own selves. this post is the tip of the iceburg.
Here is where/when I have to be pretty honest about our faiths, our struggles and what it means — at least for us (because each family has their own picture of what “interfaith family” should look like). I do wish that DH would analyze himself and write responses — or blogs

sleeping contraversies

I promise, I am going to get back to our “trip.” It is only about six weeks away and I need to make a packing list. DH says that he never makes lists. He just commits it to memory and if he doesn’t remember it, then it was not that important. this is not my philosophy. But, that is for another time.
I have not searched the gori desi blogs, and I am wondering if I am duplicating a post: or having an experience that someone else has had. but, I am too tired to search the blogs. So, this is my post, no matter how redundant.

One reason we did not choose a pediatrician from the hospital was because they kept asking us questions like: “So, do you have some sighted help at home to watch the baby while he is on the changing table, so he does not fall?” … … TOO MANY ASSUMPTIONS!
1. changing tables usually have straps.
2. As a blind mother, I keep one hand on the baby or am directly in front of the table,(That is, if I had one), which means that I get everything prepared before putting child on the table.
3. I don’t have — nor want a changing table. That is just too much furniture and I can do just as good at diaper changing on our bed, etc.
The pediatricians and nurses were also continuously hastling me about “co sleeping.” Our baby does not have his own room, he does not need it. I reject the notion that he should learn independence at this age. A co-worker of DH’s suggested that we should already be teaching him to “Self soothe.”
In a seemingly unrelated situation, our new iphone cases did not come in on time. DH threw a fit. He called everyone he could and even swore loudly. I suggested that he learn to “self soothe.” that did not go over well! But, he got my point.
When the baby cries, it is not because he is selfish and just wants our undivided attention. he is only weeks old. A cry is the only way he can tell us that he needs something. He could have gas, want to eat, need to be changed, want to be held, be a bit bored, etc. somehow, the popular philosophy is to satisfy the baby’s physical needs (food, drink, clothing, shelter), but if the baby just wants attention or human contact, we should deny this to them because it will spoil them. And… … what is wrong with needing human contact????? Don’t we, as women, complain if our husbands stop showing us affection? Don’t our husbands complain if we stop being physical with them? (And, this is stereotypical to suggest that we withhold sex while they withhold affection: but again, you get my point). children grow up so fast, I really don’t care if I “Give him too much attention” as most of the experts think. Pretty soon, he will be grown and I don’t want to say to myself: “I wish I would have held him more, but I would have been giving him too much attention.” Besides, the literature that I have read shows the exact opposite. And, Asian philosophy (at least some of it) supports co-sleeping — at the minimum.
then there is the sleeping. Yes, I co-sleep. By this I mean, The baby, DH and I sleep in the same bed. Now, I, at first, was hesitant to admit this while staying in the hospital. I remember what happened just two years ago to another blind couple in Missouri. They had their baby taken away by social services (while in the hospital) for much less. I am nortoriously horrible at providing links, but I assure you that it happened and can be googled. But, the fact was there. I slept with him in the hospital. There is a whole host of reasons why I choose to cosleep. Although I am still having difficulties nursing and must feed him a bottle of pumped breast milk (most of the time including at night), it is much easier to assess his needs when he is near. In fact, the response time is much quicker. When baby starts whimpering, I can just sleepily reach a hand over and pat his back. I actually get more sleep if Baby is with me because I am not trying to hear a baby monitor, running back and forth from my bed to his, etc. There is night bonding that we would not get if we did not sleep together. DH is more likely to help if/when he hears the baby cry, also.
When the “You are just going to spoil him,” argument doesn’t work, the “fear of SIDS” argument is trotted out. Check out Dr. Sears’ website. www.askdrsears.com
he has some great articles and resources about sids and co-sleeping. But, just logically, think of this. America has the highest rate of Sids, but one of the lowest rates of co-sleeping. Co-sleeping is more prominent in African, asian countries and caribbean islands, yet, their “Sids stats” has not gone up.
It is becoming a trend for DH, myself and Baby to listen to a couple of podcasts on the IPhone before drifting off to sleep. that means, we bond a bit. There are also other resources that talk about Attachment parenting and cosleeping, sids and Western/Eastern societies, practices in developing countries, etc. I will say this:
1. if I decide to take medication to increase my milk, I’ll leave baby in the bassinette(did I spelll that right) that is beside our bed; 2. I don’t drink alcohol or take any type of medication;
3. Baby does not sleep on his stomach unless he is sleeping on my chest; 4. I take boppies/nursing pillows etc out of bed;
5. if Baby sleeps between DH and I (which is rare), I always put my arm out so that DH would (hypothetically) roll on my arm before squashing Baby;
We “had” to choose a pediatrician before leaving the hospital, so DH called a friend and got a recommendation. she is … .. OK, but still kind of heckles me about co-sleeping. I wish that I could have found a pediatrician who understood co-sleeping and my reason for the choice, but: can’t change it. I might print out some of these Dr. Sears articles and hand them to her next time. We are all ok. I just dread the vaccination and food conversations with her. Although, we will heavily vaccinate before going to Pakistan, yet it seems that research is recommending delaying some of the vaccinations: which sounds like lots of common sense. But, that, too, is for another day.
Going to get some rest: … … napping with my baby. Hmm, maybe the first book I should read to Baby is “the Napping house.”

19 December, 2011 12:01

I thought that I was going to tell the birth story in its entirety, but, there are more pressing things to discuss, so I guess you will get the birth story in small doses when I write about how these other subjects relate to the birth.
I want to tell you that I am pretty emotional about this subject and although I am trying not to let it show, it “will.” Our plan was to exclusively nurse the baby for at least a year. when you are a teen or in your early twenties, many tell you not to nurse. I listened to others with my daughter and did not nurse, although I wanted to. With my first son, second child, he was a preemie and doctors said that he would not be able to nurse. I know differently now, but took their advice. I nursed my third child for a year with no problem. when I say “no problem,” I mean, no lactation consultants, no mastitis, no latching troubles, not even a breast pump. I could hand express 6 to 8 ounces into a bottle within about fifteen minutes, if I had to. But, the fact is that my third child was just a good nurser. And, my milk was coming in strong. with my fourth child, I nursed regularly for three months until he went into the hospital and staff did not give him my breastmilk. (they gave it all back to me when he left). this complication (as well as birth control prescribed by an OB who forgot to tell me that it would dry up my milk) facilitated the end of nursing. With this new baby, I just assumed that my milk would come in strong and I’d be able to nurse.
Although our baby was only born seventeen days early, he has trouble sucking. He just does not want to open his mouth and can’t seem to position his tongue in the right place. I tried nursing when in the hospital, but it seemed that he did not want to eat. when I got home, I nursed exclusively. We have had to go back to the hospital for several blood tests to check on our billyruben (sorry for the incorrect spelling) numbers. Our wonderful little guy was a bit jondice. On thursday of the first week, we met with a pediatrician. His weight had dropped to 5lbs/11oz. She wanted us to go to the hospital for our fourth number reading. she gave us samples of formula which I never wanted to use: yet, that very day, ended up using some because Baby Boy was hungry, he would not take the breast and we had to weight on a taxi to take us to the hospital for no less than two hours. After the blood test, we had to wait another 90minutes for a taxi to take us home. I blame this whole taxi fiasco on DH, if he was a more generous “tip giver,” (forget “more generous” I’d settle for him being just a “tip giver”) we would have a couple of these guys on stand by.
By that next monday, (another Doctor’s visit), his jondice had gone down a bit, but his weight had only increased by two ounces. After consulting two lactation consultants, (I delivered at one hospital and my pediatrician is affiliated with another; so I got the benefit of consultants at two different hospitals), it was concluded and affirmed that my milk was not in. He would nurse for a bit of time, but he was not getting much of my milk. I had to supplement. Now, I hate formula! I thought several times about listing the 100 reasons that I think that nursing is best. that would bore you! but, I got up to thirty-one. I’d be willing to share with anyone who is interested. (smile)
My milk is still not in. I try to nurse at least once a day. I pump about seven to ten times a day. I eat oatmeal, drink pineapple juice, try to consume hot beverages around the time of nursing, etc. the recommendations of Fenugreek tea are inconclusive, but I have tried it

Birth Announcement

Birth announcement
Azaan Gabriel Was born on November 27 at 9:21 am, after 8 hours of labor, weighing in at 6lbs and 5oz. He was 20 inches long. . We are at home and ok but much to report. so many subjects to talk about: the real birth story,
natural birth -v. – epidural,
pediatricians,
8th day circumcision,
interfaith issues and compomises for baby,
milk production, Lactation consultants and medicine,
co-sleeping and sids,
family’s reaction to baby,
blindness and parenting,
etc.

I’ll get to them soon.
Just wanted to update.

Travel Preparations (Part 04)

I have not forgotten about our travel plans. We are going to pick up DH’s new ID card today and then we will get pictures, fill out forms and submit for a new passport.
My insurance: BlueCross Anthem will not pay for my vaccinations; if the reason is travel. Work would have to authorize them, if payment is involved. This would not happen. So, We are on our own. My doctor does not even have the TDAP (tetness/pertussis/Diptheria vaccination) for adults. Our board of health charges $40; which is the lowest cost so far.
The Health Department does not have the Typhoid, so I have to try two other companies.
Visiting Nurse services and Passport health. I will also check into the Riley/IU Travel clinic to see how much they will charge. And, we might find a Pakistani GP and ask him how much he would charge. Passport health: 844-2990. They can give the PDAT: $75, Typhoid $105. They have a $55 office visit.
Visiting nurse services: 722-8200
Tdap , $65. Typhoid is $80. No office fee. The nurses can not prescribe malaria medication, I must get that from a doctor. I don’t know how much the malaria meds and the anti-diarrhea meds cost, yet. Since I am not sure which Hepatitis shot that I will need, I did not include this. I will have to get a blood test to determine if I have had the A and B. vaccinations. And, Anthem might take care of them, I am not sure.
But, I will also check the cost of the blood test verses the vaccination. I think that I will start keeping an expense sheet of how much it will cost me to travel. This is for my own benefit, but also to show DH and maybe others that it is not cheap to travel and that there are expenses that one does not even think about: the first aid kit and the vaccinations, and…. ….
DH says: just wait until we get to Pakistan and my Uncle Doctor can give you those shots for less. But, he doesn’t realize that I will need to have them “Before “ travel. He calls them robbers.

Just an update:

i have twenty-nine days until my due date. My younger sister was suppose to come and help me organize baby items and clothes, but, well, she is not that reliable. My mother is suppose to come the Saturday after Thanksgiving to help. We will see. DH continues to ask me everyday: “do you want to take a day off?” “Maybe it is time that you stay home.” But, as for now, (although i am getting pretty tired) I decline. I want to work as much as possible before i stop. i want my leave after the baby to be as many days as possible. I think that AMI (his mother) keeps suggesting that I take it easy and stay at home. Besides, sometimes, my feet do swell — although, they are swelling less this week than they did the last week. I have a considerable amount of heart burn. I hate to go over those bumps when i am made to ride in the back of the bus (like today). i don’t get much sleep when my back is starting to hurt and I have a considerable amount of pelvic pain (which means that the baby is getting ready for delivery day). But, one more day is one more day.
Names:
We have finally narrowed it down to three. i really liked “Jeelan,” (A name of a City in Iran), Zayaan(Accent on the second syllable???) and Taban. But, Dh had not heard of the last two and his family would not know of the first. That was in my six remaining names. Yusef and Ahsan are “too old,” DH says. Zeeshan is already a family name. We are down to Azaan (the call to prayer) , Armaan)Don’t you want the name: “ARMANDO” to roll off your tongue? but, am not thrilled about the alliteration with our last name) and Zariyan (yes, DH put that one back on the list). for the American middle name (and, yes, he will have a middle name of my choosing, despite Dh’s opposition), I like Gabriel, Samuel, nathaniel, justus, Jakim or another “J” name that I am unsure of, yet(Jessaiah, jeremiah, . At least we are closer than we were.
I am still looking for a co-sleeper. i think I’ll call the manufacturer and see if they have one to show. This is preferable than finding it on the internet because i don’t know what internet items look like. thanks for the suggestion, Sandra. I also need to get some cloth diapers — Wait, Dh says that diapers are disposable and nappies are cloth. hmmm, interesting. There are so many choices: even in the cloth nappy section: kawaii, G., Thirsties, Bumgenius… etc. And now there are prefolds, pockets and all in ones (AIOs) and liners for added protection. I am waiting until the baby is here to purchase too many cloth nappy choices. i want to try them out and will want to take advantage of the 30-day money back guarantee, if possible/necessary. If I buy them too soon, then it will be more difficult to take advantage of such a guarantee.
I have not packed my suitcase yet, but I need to. I want to get a good comfortable gown and a few other things. i asked DH to have his parents send a Shalwar Kamis for the baby so we could dress him in it and take a couple of pictures at the hospital. But, the last box did not contain anything, so i left it alone. Hmmm, i do need some good hair clipsto hold back my thick long hair — (one perk of pregnancy). We have a plan for transportation when i go into labor and a couple of back ups. No, Paratransit is not on the list!(smile)
I have a doctor’s appointment tomorrow: (twenty-eight days before the estimated due date — just in case you lost count) and I am going to ask for some of the vaccinations.
We have ordered I-phones for the both of us. of course, this satisfies DH’s desire to obtain a nice new electronic. But, my cell phone is always losing battery and i need something more reliable in case i do go into labor. Besides, I can buy and download labor music, use the video camera and 8mega-pixile camera to take first pics of the baby, Skype his parents on the i-phone, utilize the coupon application, the Baby monitor application might come in handy. And, there is this application called “VIZWIZ,” which takes a picture of an item and allows you to ask any question about said item. A person looks at the picture and sends you back an answer. A friend at work has used this application on her I-pod touch to find out the color of a dress, the contents of a frozen meal and the flavor of a piece of candy. Sounds like it will be helpful and fun to play with. (smile) and, the I-phone will come in about two weeks or so. Hopefully, I won’t have had the baby yet.
The only worry that i do have is: DH’s sister is marrying on Thanksgiving Friday/. The Nikka is Friday and the Walima is on Saturday. Of course, i am afraid to travel the six hours to her wedding, but DH will leave for her hometown on Friday morning and be back at our home by Sunday. I am afraid that I will go into labor and he won’t be here. All of that planning would be for nothing. DH won’t have had the experience and won’t understand how difficult and miraculous it was. It will be like he is/was absent from the whole thing — absent, distant, unaware, etc and it will forever be an experience that we should have, but would not have shared. My daughter and friend/lay doula will be there, but it won’t be the same. I write this here because I would not want to offend his sister and don’t want to take anything away from her happy day. And, i don’t even know that I “will” go into labor, then. what if i don’t and DH stays home and either she does not get married or gets married without him? That won’t be good! Honestly, she only had three times to marry: Thanksgiving break, christmas break and Spring break. OK, the guy she is marrying is a principal — which explains the breaks. Christmas break, i will surely already have the baby and she wants to come down to help. Spring break will probably see us in Pakistan. So, by process of elimination, Thanksgiving break is the only time. NO, she will not wait until summer. She says that “summer” is too far away. then, there is the planning itself.
We Americans take so much time in the planning. my daughter is marrying in April. I just attended a “stuffing party” which is essentially a gathering of women who volunteer to help with the invitations so that the couple will not have to spend as much money. She is going dress shopping this week and she has decided on a place to have the wedding/reception. she is still talking about the food, flowers and such.
His sister, in contrast, has two weeks to plan a wedding and secure a dress and all of the other essentials. Granted, the Nikka and Walima is not like an American ceremony with so many people to outfit and extensive decorations. But, still, two weeks seems like a very short period of time. DH and I have different views on the subject. I continue to say: “I want it to be special for her. I want her to feel like the queen of the ball.” In my mind, that means, trying to plan everything down to the finest detail to ensure that she is happy. i want to find “something” that will customize her nikka and Walima so that it is uniquely “her day.” But apparently, those things are not as important to him or her. The Nikka will be at an Auntie’s house and the Walima will be in the Mosque gymnasium. This Auntie is also cooking all of the food and helping SIL find a dress and proper wedding clothes. i just wish that there was something that I could do to help it be special for her, even if i can’t be there to celebrate. When it comes down to it, the wedding (when, where, how, etc) is “HER” decision and i should not impose my views on her, anymore than her family from pakistan should. Yet, I wish that there was something that I could do to make things even more special. Hmmm, — maybe, not go into labor so that DH doesn’t have to worry about getting back home so urgently. But, that is out of my control. (smile)

Eid Mubarak to you and yours!

Our local Pakistani association (PAFA) [Pakistani American Friends Association] held an Eid dinner at a Pakistani restaurant. DH was already telling me that his mother always cooks milky pasta (can’t remember its name) on Eid. I realize that I am still self conscious about my cooking, but have decided that we will start some Eid traditions of our own. OK, too late for this year, but just in time for the baby, next year. I think that I have been hesitant because I am not certain how to proceed. 1. Do I try to immulate the old traditions that his family has perfected? If I do this, it still won’t be like his mother’s cooking or Pakistani traditions. After all, there is no lamb to lead home, no sounds/smells of slaughter, no tight community that we belong to, no milky pasta and no constant streams of Urdu — at least not from me. But, memicking the old traditions would probably feel most familiar to DH and make him feel more at home. — or
2. Should I try to blend the celebration with a compromising feast of food and traditions? I think that these questions for Goris are always present… how much to blend and how much to preserve. Is Blending watering down the tradition?
In any case, for now, we have decided to start some traditions of our own. i am hoping that he can draw on his childhood to help me make them similar to those from home. i want a way to preserve his old traditions without mangling them too much. No, I don’t want to learn to cook Payaya from a newly slaughtered goat’s feet! But i do want some type of culture and tradition to be preserved. I want our Eid celebration, in some ways, to resemble that of his childhood. Anyway, the invitation said that the Eid celebration would be from 5:00–8:00. Transportation picked us up at 4:30 (their only available time slot — or so they said), and although the location was quite close to our work (or we would have had to travel about the same distance), they got us to the restaurant within 30minutes. thus, we were ready to eat at 5:02 PM. The food was not ready until 6:45. An acquaintance of ours, (Curious beautition), (whom we have not talked to in about three months) also showed up. She loves indian food and called us out of the blue the night before.. We told her about the event and she came. At least we had someone to talk to. Conversation was good and so was the food. It usually takes Dh a while to warm up to other people — or rather, it takes people a while to warm up to us. DH asked about the ratio of Americans in the group and the friend and I were two of three Americans in attendance. There were about fifty Pakistanis or South Asians. Obviously the “American” part of the PAFA organization leaves a bit to be desired. (smile) It does not bother me, though because if I was not almost the only American, I would certainly be one of two blind individuals; so I don’t even think about it much.
There was vegetable biryani (which I skipped – rice rice rice), Channa masala, Kibabs, salad and fresh naan. If I could make channa masala and kibabs like they do, I’d make them more often. I think I had three kibabs and thought about taking a couple for the road! (Can I use the “pregnant card?”)! They were just a tad spicey for me, and DH thought that they were just :”OK,” but I really liked them. [I’m going to have to put meat grinder on my list]. The rice and nuts for the kheer was ground more finely than I had tasted before. There is a name for ground rice, I just can’t remember it. It was also more milky than I make it. The meal was delicious, though. OK, we were a bit
disappointed that they did not have some good spiced tea, aloo teeki, pakoras, chicken tikkah, halwa poori, katoris or mango lassi. [Is it obvious that we had time to fantasize about the food selections before the buffet was actually set out???] And I know that DH’s mouth was watering because he kept asking: “what are others doing, is it time to eat yet?” Even though they did not have some of our favorites, , I wanted to stock up on those kibabs and channa masala.
After dinner, the women moved to one side of the room. I did not realize this until the curious friend pointed it out to us. We (the friend and I) were on the “men’s side,” [but no man or woman stared or seemed to take notice]. Although we did not get a personal invitation to join them, when we did join them, a woman brought chairs for us to sit on. we moved to the other side of the room and listened to women play the dhoolki and sing. I wanted to see the dhoolki. But, I am not that assertive and there were at least two layers of women to penetrate before I could actually put my hands on the drum. The dhoolki was on the floor and a circle of women sat around it. They took turns playing it and passing the microphone to sing Punjabi wedding songs. DH was not in the mood to translate. there was at least one outer circle of women on chairs. Our curious beautition friend described what the women were wearing and any other differences. She could not explain the drum because she could hardly see it, herself. I keep saying to DH that when I go to Pakistan, I am buying a Bansuri, Dhoolki and any other instrument that I can’t find in the USA. I’ll learn how to play – or our son will!!!!
We listened a while. For the most part, people were polite, but reserved. Our friend actually saw one Pakistani woman physician who is also a client of hers at the salon. They talked about her hair. Sometimes, DH throws me for a loop. He does something totally out of character. Some men were sitting around telling jokes in Punjabi. Without an invitation, he moved closer to them and just joined in. He is never usually this assertive. He was standing, so we took that as our cue to leave, but honestly, he was enjoying the fellowship of the men. Whoops, nonverbal cues can be so deceptive.
All in all, we had a good time. And, like so many times before, DH was glad that he went, although he second-guessed the decision a few times before actually arriving at the restaurant. i wonder how different it will be after i have the baby. I’ll analyze next year’s Eid.

Travel preparations (Part 02)

WHOOPS!
I realized that I sent “part 03” before I sent “part 02.”
Anyway, Dh and I still need to get our passports. He is waiting on his ID and then we will get our pictures so we can send off for the new passports which will take about four to six weeks. (paperwork and time!!!) Hmmm, which will come first, passports or baby??? It’s a race!
Finally, i got ahold of the Consulate of pakistan. but, they weren’t much help, they told me to go to their website because they did not give information over the phone. Why are they even there, if they can’t give any information over the phone? that makes no sense. Anyway, i found out that I need to send:
A complete visa form, 2 Current Photographs (2×2) (standard US passport, not more than 6 months old) Visa fee for US passports (which is $120), for visit visa (processing time is 2-5 work days on approval) payable in Cashier Check/ US Postal Money Order to the Consulate General of Pakistan. All fees are non-refundable.
I need to send a proof of Driver’s license or state ID. my passport should be valid at least six months from travel date. I need to send the mail certified express mail and a self-addressed stamped envelope. Our child will need proof of his Father’s Pakistani passport to get a visa. while DH might get his visa (although he says that he doesn’t need one), within five business days, mine could take much longer and is left to the discretion of the consulate. Although, on the visa form, it says from four to six weeks. Indian nationals who wish to go to Pakistan should expect to wait three or four months for their visas. (discrimination????). The visa application is pretty involved. They ask questions that I have no idea of the answer. they ask for your “blood group,” which i am assuming means “Blood type.” but, I certainly will have to get help filling this application out. Since the fee is non-refundable, I want to make sure that everything is filled out correctly.
But, thinking of timeframes:
4-6weeks to get the passport;
4-6 weeks to get the visa;
We will be cutting it awfully close! and, we really can’t make plans until we are sure that we are going to get the visa, can we? I don’t want to start gathering things and get those vaccinations for nothing!!!

Travel preparations (part 03)

I have decided to describe every step of our journey, just in case other people are wondering exactly where to go or what to do when/if they want to travel to Pakistan. when i started wondering about vaccinations and pregnancy, i could not find much information, so i hope that this will help someone else, when they are looking to travel. of course, i’m going to have to categorize it after
posting–if I want it to be available for others to look at. (smile) So, we went to a health fair this weekend. We found a pediatrician from india. She was actually taking blood pressure, (mine was a bit high: 126-over-90), instead of working with the children, but we struck up a conversation. She has been in America for many years, but her information was quite valuable. DH still thinks that she is going overboard. I thought he would be more receptive to the information if it came from a south Asian. Geesh. Anyway, she said: take meds such as pain reliever and for stomach upset in your carry-on. Take your own straws in case you go to restaurant. Take lots of wipes to wipe off bottles, the tops of cans, sometimes even the rims of glasses. Take lots of hand sanitizer pens and small bottles. Don’t let Aunties kiss and hold your baby. If you are given a bottle, pour it into a glass yourself: sometimes people submerge the bottle neck into the glass and contaminate the liquid. only eat cooked items and no snack vendor food. (I already want to taste that street food, but won’t dare)!!! Take ORS and some formula — just in case. Get the first wave of vaccinations before you go. Don’t forget about Hepatitis A and B and medicine for Malaria and probably even typhoid, as well. Don’t take ice in your drink, it could be contaminated. Dress your baby (and yourself) in long sleeves for night time and use mosquito nets. Was there more? i can’t remember because i did not write them down, but I should have. She also gave me a lead on “international travel medical clinic.” I found it on the web and called for a phone consultation. i tried looking at the “Center for Disease Control” website, but their information was so vague, and i could not find specifics on the exact regions of Pakistan. Besides, I have learned that even going from Lahore to Rawalpindi can be different and require different things. ***Center for International Adoption and Geographic Medicine We are available for consultation and evaluation of illnesses that may be related to travel to other parts of the world.
For an appointment with the Pediatric Travel Medicine Clinic or to speak to a pediatric travel medicine specialist, please call 317.944.7260.
I talked with John Christiansen, he returned my call the same day! He says:
I should get the following vaccinations:
T-dap, which will protect myself and baby (up to six months) from whooping cough;
Hepatitis A and B;
Typhoid;
I should take malaria medicine (But, not Doxocycline because it can hinder the baby’s bone development),
While Malaria is not as popular in Lahore, it is common in both Rawalpindi and Islamabad. The baby will not get enough of the malaria medicine to combat malaria, so I should keep baby indoors at night, use mosquito netting, dress the baby in long sleeves, etc.
If I get diarreah during the trip, I can take any medication accept “CIPRO” because that also effects the bones of the baby. The baby will receive his first round of the Hepatitis B vaccination before he leaves the hospital and should get his first round of vaccinations (after the six week mark) before we leave for Pakistan. So, basically, although I hate taking medicine and anymore injections, I am going to have to be a pin cushion. I think that I have had the hepatitis A&B vaccinations, but am honestly, not sure; nor am I sure about the last time I had my tetness vaccination.
UGGGGG. But, I’ll start now.
and, i was in a reluctant, yet excited kind of mood until i informed DH of the information that I required.
to make matters tense: DH asks,
“How much will they cost? Will insurance pay for it? We will have to see.” sometimes, I wonder if my effort is even worth it!
I keep wondering if he will ever get a clue!
Maybe that is my sign to just stay home.
… … just being real!