The wrong animal!

eong animal”
A cougar is just a big cat on the hunt. Some say that I must embrace this new name for my role in the relationship. The internet slang dictionary says that a cougar is:

— from the internet —
Question: What is a cougar?
The short answer: A cougar is an older woman who is primarily attracted to and has sex with with significantly younger men.
Answer: The most commonly-accepted definition of a cougar is a woman 40 years of age or older who exclusively pursues very young men. The onset of the cougar
years is hotly debated. Some feel that a cougar can be as young as 35, but women of this age would not be viewed as cougars unless their sexual conquests
were no older than 25; the ten-year age difference seems to be an unspoken but accepted minimum between partners.
Typically, cougars prey upon men almost young enough to be their sons. Thus fortysomething cougars would be attracted to men in their 20s, and fiftysomething
cougars would pursue men in their 30s and so on. Some cougars are less interested in a relationship than a sexual conquest, perhaps enjoying the fact that
they are physically appealing to men who are considered to be in the prime of their virility.
A cougar may be married or unmarried, and some even go after their daughters’ boyfriends. [HOW DISGUSTING — NEVER!!!]
Although the term ‘cougar’ comes from the big-game predatory cat of the same name, the cougar connection also may allude to the wearing of animal print
clothing by older and more sexually aggressive women.
An early example of the cougar phenomenom was seen in the groundbreaking film The Graduate, in which middle-aged Mrs. Robinson (Ann Bancroft) seduces fresh-out-of-college
Benjamin Braddock (Dustin Hoffman).
Real-life cougar relationships include Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher (15 years), Susan Sarandon and Tim Robbins (12 years), and Barbara Hershey and Naveen
Andrews (21 years).

[Some negative responses to Cougars]
1. Cougars are pitiful
I think older women who are cougars have always been little sluts since high school. They have been drinkers, smokers, etc. and their emotional intelligence
and age is linked to of how old they were when they took that first drink. An older woman who messes with a male young enough to be her son is disgusting.
They can ruin young men forever. No matter how thin and physically attractive these so-called classy, sophisticated cougars try to be, the fact is they’re
still old. A woman with self-respect, morals, and principles would not act this way under any circumstances. 2. Cougars have sex with younger males to prove
they’re still sexy and still have what it takes. They don’t want to be with a man their own age or older who has erectile dysfunction as this makes them
feel unsexy – mot sexy enough for the older male to get it up straightaway – whereas a young man just thinks sex and has an immediate hard-on. Cougars
are selfish, calculating people who like to destroy relationships.
—Guest Sharri
3. To all the old cougars out there trying so hard to prove their point that society is in favour of older women/baby man relationships, it is time to come
out of your dreamworld and face the music. Admit it, it is all about the sex, never mind the personality, optimism and all that bull. Other women, especially
younger ones are laughing at you. A man at any age will spoil a woman in order to get sex….young baby men know it is easier and less expensive to seduce
an older woman, A young baby man knows he will be spoiled and will receive lots of gifts from an older woman. Older women know that a man who is their
same age or older can and will get young females age 20+ and that is why the male pool is less and you have to trap yourselves a baby man. Older women
(cougars) are not saintly. They have been around the block a few times and once they have tried/tasted/seen how easy it is to get baby men to have sex
with, they will have many (beware sexually transmitted diseases).
—Guest Denise
4. Cougars are wanton women in disguise. They are now divorced because of their infidelities of the past and now they want to live it up as if it was the ex-husband’s
fault. They are showing off by getting these young men. There is no lasting relationship that’s going to happen and lead to marriage. It’s basthe ically a
waste of time. The seductress only wants to satisfy herself, instead of waiting until the right man comes along because we all want to grow old with a
loving partner. Each year they play, they grow older and their chances of having a relationship is nil. When an older man comes along and hears via the
grapevine that his woman has dated younger men, he’ll be disgusted due to the social stigma attached. He’ll know that you are easy and must have had many,
many sexual partners down the line. He won’t trust you as he’ll think you’ll continue with this lifestyle and are not marriage material. Good luck to all
you cougars when you find yourself alone in an old age home!
—Guest Chantel

OK, that is enough.
1st, although I did try dating after my marriage had ended, I have not done so in more than 13+ years. My husband left because he wanted to be single. He was unfaithful. Imran and I did not even broach the subject of sex until we started talking about women’s issues. And, then, it was not in a personal way.
Me: “I just read a book on Female circumcision, is it really connected to Islam?” … … (I know the answer)
me: “what is this two men or four women who have to witness a rape? Can’t they just believe the woman, come on, what does she have to gain, especially in an Asian society like Pakistan” … … …
Imran: “I was sitting around with a group of guys and girls and they started talking about sex. One girl even admitted that she hated to (and was not currently) wearing a bra — do all american girls talk that freely and it sounds like she was trying to suggest that someone verify that statement.”… … …
Believe me: the issue is not about sex… … ahem, not that I won’t fully enjoy that part of my marriage, but, the possibility of a 20-something yo sex partner did not enter into my decision to have a relationship with him. I am not and have not been (by American standards) promiscuous. I don’t need his constant sexual desires to validate me as a woman.
And, if the truth be known, he pursued me, so I can’t say that I was “on the hunt.”

So, I analyze and evaluate what makes me interested in this guy.
Am I just misunderstood?
Does any of these comments have a point?
Of course, they do.
But, that is a stereotype and not my life.
It just happened that we, he and I, fell in love.
We shared some of the same interests.
We forged an emotional bond.
And, in the end, we can both see ourselves enjoying a normal married life with each other.
We have talked lots about
“power” because it is present in the age gap relationships, Muslim/Christian relationships and intercultural relationships.
But, this cougar thing is just rediculous and actually has no basis past stereotypes.
Now, I must admit here,
For Rebekah’s sake,
I did chastize her for dating someone who was 61 and she is 30.
I have apologized. While they might be stereotypical in their age-gap relationship, I should not have assumed these stereotypes.
Way to shame me into remembering that any stereotypes are not good to hold!
And, I have examined myself and Imran and know that any similarities to these stereotypes are do to our individual personality and they will not rule our relationship.

Ok, now I will admit that I am a bit sensitive about this whole age thing and was not even sure if I even wanted to blog it!
I don’t like the to be associated with such stereotypes.
From Betty Mahmoody to Mrs. Robinson — it is just a bit too tiring for me.
But, maybe someone else won’t feel alone because I have admitted it — and am not reveling in said situation because somehow I would fit some sort of stereotypes. All of these things do make our relationship much more challenging and sometimes I just want to bury tThhem all and enjoy all of the good. But, it is what it is and we can’t change it.


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4 Responses to “The wrong animal!”

  1. rawnee Says:

    Oh don’t you just love the title ‘cougar’? I just laugh it off and because I know that people who use is in a derogatory fashion are usually jealous youger women who have lost their similarly aged partners to an older woman. Been there, done that, still wearing the t-shirt.

    It’s of no consequence to anyone other than you and your partner.

    Good luck to you both I say!

    • jamily5 Says:

      Hi, It is not the cougar persey, but the thought that I was “on the hunt,” and that I “somehow manipulated him into being with me.” Actually, I was quite hesitant because I did not want to deal with said stereotypes. So, I was certainly not looking for some “boy toy.” Or, someone to manipulate. (hahaha) Do I think that he is being immature sometimes? Sure! But, I look at the males in my own age group and even older: and I must make the same types of remarks. We have so many stereotypes going at once and so many factors that sometimes, it is hard to say where a certain behavior comes from. And, really, who cares! Whether something is due to age, naivity, culture, religion, family of origin, kermudgeon attitudes, fears stemming from previous relationships, etc. Who cares where it comes from as long as you can talk about it and come to some kind of agreement. I would enjoy hearing more of your journey. Jan

      Check out my written articles and comment at: “Bonds of the Heart should never be broken!” “Dil kay rishton kay bandhan kabhi naheen tootnay chahiay hain!” — Urdu translation

  2. Sara Says:

    There’s quite a few overt and covert sexist statements in there. I think a similar issue is women who mate with men from other cultures (you may not see the “I could have found a nice Indian girl for you instead of her” looks from auntie strangers, but I sure can).
    Part of my process for making peace with the intercultural piece is admitting that there ARE things I like about intercultural, above and beyond A as a person. I like feeling free to define what I want to bring into our married life from my religious/regional/racial/SES culture, because A is bringing things from a different culture that don’t usually directly contradict or reinforce mine.

    I chose A based on our fit as individuals, and I’m sure there are White men from rural Midwestern Christian families who I could have created satisfying partnerships with, but I would appreciate this freedom in any intercultural relationship. Perhaps there are similar aspects of the age-gap (like being more open to experiences than many but not all people of your age?) that make a “cougar” (ugh, that word!) relationship more likely to work for you?

    • jamily5 Says:

      Yes, I could have settled down with a good ole boy and involved myself into his life. We would have been accepted and life would go on in our own little world. But, there would be a whole part of me that would be lost to this guy. I like learning new prospectives, learning about world events, expanding my horrizons, learning new languages, knowing about other cultures, etc. I always have.

      Yes, I like his optimism, his readiness for new experiences and the fact that he is not already set in his ways. (but, that last part is a myth because for some things, he is already set in his ways). (smile) There are “intercultural” things that I like about Imran; that I would like about this culture, in general. For example: I have always wanted a close knit family. I have seen too many nursing homes to be fond of them or to feel comfortable leaving my mother/father there. I feel the same about “most — not all” day care centers. I like trying new foods, learning new languages, listening to new prospectives, etc. So, yes, these are intercultural things and not necessarily Imran’s qualities per sey. . the age thing just crept up upon us. when I first met Imran, I did not realize (believe would have been more like it) that he was as young as he is. Now, I can see where his youth has disadvantages. I can see where he is a bit …. young and young acting. But, there is good and bad with every decision.

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