more thoughts about beginnings and trials

Actually, I do wish that Imran would write on this blog. His memory is quite superior to mine and he would be able to add so much more.
But, he won’t and my memory will have to do.
In october of 2006, I went to get my first dog. I know, Imran and H. find dogs unclean. But, it was going to help me and we were only “friends,” and I could respect his desire not to touch the dog. My BFF/Sister (not biologically, but spiritually) was afraid of dogs and I would never try to get her to touch something that she was afraid of.
It was during that time away that I realized many things about myself.
For example:
I am sorry to say: I do not like California. It seemed that Californians had their own brand of sarcastic humor that I found quite offensive. They were quite politically correct with substantial minority groups, but that did not include people who lived in rural areas. I might be willing to reconsider my statements about Californians, but we (Imran and I) would have to be invited. (smile) [That is only because I will never turn down the invitation to travel, as long as I have a home to go back to].
I do have a blog about my guide dog experience.
janmily5.livejournal.com
One of the things that happened on that trip is that We, Imran and I, shared many intimate feelings with each other.
this, actually, did leave me in a quandry because I knew what my feelings were:
yet, I had children at home and could not understand how we might fuse our lives together.
Elephants:
*I was Christian, Imran Muslim!
This particular challenge would haunt me for months/more than a year to come.
*I was in my late 30’s and Imran in his early 20’s.
*I had four teenaged children and Imran was in college.

I asked myself:
Was I just lonely and needing to bond with a male?
I am not a model and I know that I have many flaws – But, there were other males who did try to get my attention. I dismissed them.
Was I needing emotional support because my children would soon be leaving the house and I was feeling volnerable? In fact, they had already started to test out the waters.
No, — ok, maybe that does leave me more available and more volnerable.
I’ll admit that. But, if it were just “needing something to occupy my mind and day” I could become more involved with the nfb(National Federation of the Blind) or do my volunteer work or move — which we will later find out is a source of both excitement and anxiety for me.
Was it that I was swept off my feet from the attitudes and behaviors from someone of a different culture? Was he being sincere? Was he actually as mature as he seemed?
The answer to the first was “yes.”
The answer to the second was “yes,”
and the answer to the third would prove to be both “yes,” and “no.”
And, to the thought that I just wanted someone to “need” me, I say: “imphatically not.” Just because I might soon be an “Empty nester,” does not mean that I would want another child. While it might serve to make me feel needed, it would kill any intimate feelings that I would have for him. You…. …. at least, I… … can’t mix the two emotions. That is, if I was with Imran because I wanted him to fill my desire to be needed, then, I would not want him as a husband. And, honestly, I don’t want my husband to be like a child. I don’t want to be his mother and I don’t want him to soon rebell against his wife/mother in such a fashion.
I **want** and always have, a companion most of all.
Imran, would hate this term.
I tried to explain that friendship was the most important.
But, he took this as a rejection of his feelings.
I must admit that I put off our relationship for quite some time.
I said that we should remain friends because:
1. I had teen children who would not warm to the idea
2. his parents would be similar to my children in nature
3. I did not know what to do with the religious parodies
4. I was unsure about the age gap and what that might mean for us.

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